the latest crazy thing, that really takes the cake, is that before my dad left the state for the winter he re-wrote his will and sent a copy to my brother, and maybe to some of my step-siblings because some of them signed it as witnesses. i did not get a copy but i am just going to believe that God intercepted it because he knew i could care less about being in another will, and because he knew i am beyond wanting to deal with any more family drama.

so i get a call from my brother and he is at his wits end. already it has been difficult for him to have dad remarried because that means dad doesnt want to spend time with tyson’s family like when mom was alive. and dad’s new wife runs dad’s life, not tyson. thats been a crushing blow to tyson which i have been trying to help him come to terms with, since i have dealt with that aspect of dad my whole life. you arent a priority in dad’s life unless you go to his church, or your sleeping with him. ’nuff said.

apparently dad has changed his will to divide his assets (from him and my mom) between us kids AND his stepkids equally. if one of us dies, our grandkids are disinherited. the portion gets re-divided. on the other hand, our stepmom’s assets (from her and her deceased husband) will only be divided with her children.

obviously this is messed-up. but this is how dad operates. he wants to be part of his new family and considers them, perhaps, as important a priority or maybe more than tyson and i. this is coupled with his disinterest in our kids and his overwhelming interest in his new step-grandkids, who are mostly teenagers/young adults. for example, i cannot get thru a story about my kids without my dad interrupting to one-up-me with a story about his step-grandkids.

it has felt really good to tell tyson that i am not going to care much about my standing in dad’s will. i already have the relationship that produced whatever priority/non-priority he shows me. and therapy this year has helped me deal with that and let it go. his stupid will, which seems like a pathetic effort to be accepted by his new family, is not surprising. i dont want to fight for his affection, so i am not going to fight for what normally would be considered the estate of my mom-and-dad. his new kids can also wipe his butt when he is elderly. they will certainly earn their portion.

the good thing is that instead of guilting me into confronting my dad, and throwing me under the bus when dad gets pissed, my brother is taking it upon himself to talk to dad and ask what are we supposed to feel as the second-class benefactors in an unequal will. where the holdings he acquired not only WITH our mom but also as a result of her death are going to be given to adult step-children. where, if my dad dies first, we will get nothing. and his step-kids will get to vacation in AZ in a house my parents bought outright, and drive around in an RV my parents also bought outright, and go on fabulous family outings.

the other good thing is FOR ONCE tyson feels what its like to be disregarded by dad. he finally knows what i have been feeling for my whole life. invisible and insignificant, and annoying if i complain. he gets to be annoying this weekend when he has dinner and talks to dad. i cannot wait to hear what happens. i think it has brought tyson and i even closer. my rejection is not just because i was adopted, because dad is doing this to his own flesh and blood.

ok, i have to be quick here, but i went into the woods the other day and actually got my mind around losing the house. which is my last stronghold to security, and i just told God i feel really unloved and i am willing to lose the house but i will not tolerate losing my kids. am i entitled to live in a house and not a trailer like everyone else at school? what makes me so special that i think i ought to live better than others that i interact with every day? and i asked does this mean i can hope for a better house in the future or is that just christian-shmistian talk? thinking things work out in our favor so it is worth it to go through horrible pain. which i personally have thought is a crock, and offensive, and i refuse to spout that kind of “faith.” then i cried my eyes out because its so dismal to only believe bad things about God. being cynical about God isnt un-christian in my mind, but it’s…awfully…anti-faith.

THEN a friend came over today, with some bread, that has these same feelings – she has a severely disabled child who will not be resuscitated the next time she goes downhill – and we commiserated about being in the tiny camp of people who question God’s love and arent we loser christians…i think we both have been unable to claim being christians because we arent having the typical experience. but the horrible reality of a life where you 1. have to decide not to resuscitate your child or 2. (what i consider not that bad in comparison) losing all financial security MEANS also that you will be lonely, you will see other people having it easier and it will play with your mind and you will ask God: WTF? and this will happen AFTER you’ve already tried every possible form of sucking up/behaving well/figuring out what the hell God wants you to learn so that you can learn it already and be put out of your misery. all the while hoping God isnt asking you to become one of those kind of christians…the kind that act so diametrically opposite your gut feeling that it’s got to be diabolical. you even wonder if you believe in the same God.

THEN i asked her if she thought i ought to look into training as a dental assistant or if i ought to go with my degree and get more training in environmental science…i need this advice from her because she heads a company that deals with natural resources and environmental policy. she told me to go with dental assist. which i might do because yesterday we found out that the FEDs will pay for the education of any displaced housemaker whose husband has been laid off – its a Federal Program!

THEN she told me she would rather actually have her life than mine …and there isnt anybody else in the world she can say that to. and i said she has my worst agony – a kid who will not outlive her. as you can see it was a special conversation. i think we both may have said things we dont say to many people, things that make us feel awful to our core to admit. rather, when we say them publicly others recoil in horror. (i am referring to when i had to admit it was good when my mom died, a relief, and my second chance at life.)

THEN (i dont know how this happened) she said there is a project management job coming up in january, that the current mgr is going on maternity leave, and i joked and said “i cant get a job until i file for bankruptcy because it will complicate the bankruptcy more than the inheritance (that is going to the IRS) and the job-loss and the small business that needs to be shut down but which cant because it has to keep paying its back-taxes, and could she use an intern”…and she said YES! and i said “you know the job i really want is XXX’s job as your assistant” and she said “it’s XXX who is going on maternity leave!”

umm…i just totally inappropriately joked around with a friend about hiring me, right after explaining how bad our financial future is, and that i cannot even get a job if we want to be able to file for bankruptcy without more delays …did she just throw me a bone? right after we complained that not only does God not care about us but that we both HATED the book “The Shack?” and that God only loves total losers like David who, in this day and age is the equivalent of Hugh Heffner crossed with Howard Hughes?!

THEN she says if we lose our house we can live with them — we have had several NICE offers from friends to shack up — but this woman actually has an enormous house. which i blurted out, as in “yeah, your house is stinkin’ huge!” and she says “i hate my house, it is so embarrassing.” and i point to the crap on the floors and the fact that she had to wear her shoes in our house to protect her feet and said “youre embarrassed of your house? did you not look around here? but you can see how much i trust somebody by how little i clean before they come over.” and she must have felt the love because my house is a total wreck; rotting mushrooms on every surface, mushroom prints all over the walls, lichen mounds covering all the furniture in the living room. she said her embarrassment is that people come over and slobber on about how huge and amazing her house is and it feels so awkward because it is empty of things. we look around my house and i admit the inevitable: yes, i love clutter. She somehow left saying i needed to come be honest about her house, and tell her if it is too sterile, and then i watched her drive away.

i went upstairs and hubs and i “celebrated” for about 10 minutes max. then i came downstairs because the kids would be home soon, and on the front porch was a whole LOAD OF FOOD FROM COSTCO! there were all the foods we eat: bacon, half-n-half, brownies, apples and juice for kids…you name it. do i try to figure out how this happened, or what i finally did right in order to bring this about, or realize that something really good happened and it probably had nothing to do with whether i am a good christian or not? how can i not take away the idea that God loves me even when i dont have any faith, when i make jokes about Him and am cynical about all the goodie-goodie christians?

no. but i do enjoy the irony that someone in the same emotional boat as me can also “be Jesus,” and that we can both hate what we describe as being a good christian. i told her if she wasnt feeling those feelings then i wouldnt be able to relate to her and that in itself would be hopelessness. and we both hated “The Shack,” probably for its implied message more than anything. but what i just experienced – her emotional support and the amazing opportunity – AND THE IRONY of it has given me more faith than any message/sermon/passage of scripture. i am all for having to experience life in order to believe in anything.

okay, now i am sick to my stomach. today was supposed to be a good day. a great day. today we get our PFDs, as in alaska permanent fund dividends, AND we sold our truck and get to pick up the check today, AND we get our last paycheck. but then the small business that we own cant make payroll, its rent, or its taxes and so guess where our cushion of money is going? right out the door.

sure, we will probably make it. we qualified for reduced lunch at school, so the kids will at least have a meal. but i am beginning to think we might just lose the house. it is a possibility at this point. that cushion of money was going to get us through these months of unemployment (finishing month 1 soon) and while my spouse is going on job interviews or connecting with contacts like a debutante with a full dance card, this stuff takes time. a job and its fresh new paycheck could still be a month away if the interview from today pans out – hypothetically.

so no cushion of money means no mortgage payment. i guess i need to call and see how many payments we can miss before foreclosure.

needless to say i emailed the lawyer today to see when we can file chapter 7. not that it will make a difference quite honestly. all that debt is on hold anyway. the business will continue to owe the IRS even if we lay off the employees and vacate the rental space. and even if we do layoffs TODAY they will still need to be paid in 2 weeks again, and then paid their vacation accrual…

so bottom line, the continuing drain which could possibly kill us is the IRS back-taxes and whatever $$$ needed to pay off the employees.

small-business sucks. NOT the backbone of america. major corporations are who they are for a reason, people! when its all said and done, this small business venture will have taken a family that was doing okay – eeking by – to the point of complete ruin. i cry.

i have to say that there have been some surprisingly fun challenges during this time of financial chaos. maybe in the same way as a person can become disciplined with exercise and nutrition, and gain quite a bit of satisfaction from pushing themselves for the good of their own health, the same can be said for being disciplined with the budget and pushing oneself to stretch the dollar, find the good deal, trim the excess, and being resourceful.

i have felt such moments of peace during these weeks where my focus has had to shift from spending money to saving money. there is nothing to do now during the day than whip the house in shape, and then head outside for some free adventures. really, it feels like my head has cleared. i wish i could say i was this way back before i had to be, that i was naturally resourceful and industrious without having to out of desperation. that would be like faithfully running and eating uber-healthy just as a lifestyle choice. not as a way to lose the weight that needs to be lost before you end up diabetic, or to prepare for a race you have committed to run in 3 months. but no, you do it because it is good.

i would like to say that even when my spouse finds a new job we will continue to maintain a healthy lifestyle with less than 4K a month, that we will fill our days with organizing the house, selling the things we dont need or use, preparing food and stashing it in the deep freeze, foraging in the woods for free things to eat, to create with, or to cure cancer with.

i dont know whats in store for us. it is kind of nice to get to the end of the rope – to the point where it is pointless to even care – and to realize that it has to start looking up from here.

it is also nice that our medical insurance goes to the end of the month. today i picked up my new eye glasses courtesy of the old insurance coverage.

besides the stress of scrambling to pay the mortgage, to have the utility checks clear the bank, to buy lunch food for the kids, to be able to fill up the gas tank, there are the less obvious emotional struggles with losing one’s job and filing for bankruptcy.

for starters, people who still have jobs and good credit dont know exactly what to say in support. i have discovered that the initial “i am so sorry!” is sufficient. there is nothing wrong with saying that one to me because i immediately see the emotion and sympathy behind it. believe me, i will not scold you for the literal absurdity behind apologizing for something you did not cause.

just today i dropped by the school to fill out a form to qualify for free lunches and the family advocate told me she was sooo sorry. it felt good. i was grateful that she cared, and nothing else says this as simply as she did.

another wonderful thing i have discovered is how it feels to eat dinner with another family every other night, at their house. we arent rattling around our house feeling lonesome on top of destitute. we arent forgetting to make dinner due to the mind-numbing stress, we arent rushing to the store for ingredients we dont have and cant pay for just so the meal can come together, we arent feeling like we have to forgo meat. no, we’re feeling darn lucky and we get to sit around and laugh with adults who’ve been in our same situation while our kids run around oblivious to our predicament. friends like this make it seem real that we might survive. conversely, sitting at home alone to a potato dinner after someone has told you “you will survive” does not carry the same power. i must remember to do this for someone else, because it wasnt obvious to me before the emotionally restorative power that actual acts of kindness do for someone. and maybe the lesson here is that good intentions dont always carry beneficial powers like good works do.

another instance of this is that i was on a road trip of sorts with a teacher at our school and she told me if i needed anything to just ask, that there were many who wanted to help. but when i got home i tried to imagine myself asking for help. what does that look like and when does one do that? today we are overdrawn (again) on our account and have no reserves. there are crackers and apples for school lunch – not bad but kind of paltry. i tried imagining myself calling different people asking them to run and pick up some juice boxes for the kids’ lunches. i didnt see it happening because really, they can drink water. its not that bad yet. i should save up my favors for when we’ve been jobless for 3 months, right? cuz that will be bad. plenty of other people drink water, so why not us? there are people who have been poor their whole lives and we’ve only just begun so i can be breaking down and asking for help this soon in the game.

but the teacher friend called today to say she wanted to drop something off at the house. thats when i had to weep, and i continue to well up when i think about it. instead of waiting for things to get bad enough so i could call her and ask for groceries, she had already prepared a bag of fixings to make dinner, even dessert! and what struck me is that she took it upon herself to decide when things were bad enough, or not wanting her good intent to fall through the cracks she went ahead and acted upon it. which makes so much sense.

i see now that within our stress we cant see how to be proactive, how to ask for help, how to ensure our own comfort because we are focusing on the larger picture of applying for jobs and keeping up with legal paperwork.

another friend called me when she was at costco and said “i am at costco what can i bring over to your house?” she brought vodka. my dad dropped by after a colonoscopy appt. and said they were going to costco and did we want them to pick anything up? they came back with 18 eggs and 50# of flour.

they made it easy for us to ask for help. i see now that when families are sliding into desperate times there are those months of shock that can be paralyzing. you dont know for how long you will be vulnerable, so you cant measure really when you will need to cash in on that help.

i have also learned some less-than-helpful support techniques. my dad is not so quick in dealing with emotions. right after getting hit with the job loss, then lawsuit papers, then the repo of our truck i called him to tell him the extent of our troubles. i began crying incoherently as soon as he answered his phone. i spilled the entire sack of beans. i just wanted some emotional support because i know my dad has been there, has survived his share of heart-wrenching desperation.

instead he went the route of advising me, all with good intentions, to pray with my spouse and wait to see how God provides during this exciting time of change in our lives.

this, people, is what not to do. no matter what your intentions are, no matter how good God can be, this is not emotional support. this is not the way to answer someone’s distress about the looming unknown in their present situation, and here is why:

#1. what if i have already been praying with my spouse before he even lost his job? are you suggesting i have not been praying, or that there is a connection between my level of prayer and my level of job security? do you want to bring in more feelings of doubt to someone who has just suffered a loss?

#2 suggesting that Things in Life Will Turn Out is not refreshing, encouraging, nor supportive. you are operating under the impression that what may be in the future affects the immediate. the fact that i may eat in the future does nothing for my stomach now. the fact that i may pay my mortgage in, say, 10 years does not help me pay my mortgage now. and anyone who has made it out of highschool already KNOWS that life gets better. so you arent saying anything new, you are throwing The Obvious into the face of The Desperate and it bounces right off, let me tell you.

#3 trying to re-package a job loss as an exciting time is plain insensitive, even if that previous employer was intolerable, or the job stressful, or the position a dead-end.  it paid the bills and sometimes that is enough excitement. the predominant feeling for us is loss of control over our welfare and the welfare of our children. then there is the fear that God doesnt care about our comfort or the comfort of our children, and that what he allowed to happen to his faithful servant Job might be allowed to happen to us – all for the glory of God. that is not exciting, the possibility that God’s glory could supercede my family’s needs does not fortify my strength through hard times. bad things happen to good people, we all know that. the Bible is full of examples, thanks for the reminder.

#4 telling me that God will show me which choice to make after implying that i need to pray more also does nothing to bolster my faith. what it does is bring up the question of what if i dont hear him? what if He is mad at me and doesnt speak to me. speaking of which, what if i have never heard Him speak to me before. ever think of that? maybe youre talking to a christian who doesnt operate under the premise that God speaks to me, and so telling me now that God will tell me the Right Choice to make doesnt account for the fact that i havent experienced God in that way.

in our desperaton we might just take the first job opportunity that comes along whether God speaks to us about it or not. and if youre one of those christians that would say “well that was God talking” then youre basically talking in circles which is not emotionally  supportive; it is confusing. do we have an array of choices? we that lost our job and are being sued and are filing for chapter 7 (or maybe 13, who knows.) we kind of are on unstable ground and our financial future kind of depends upon things working in our favor. God allowing things to work in our favor, if you may. which brings me back to needing emotional support from friends and family. because of all that unknown.

i did have a friend who said to me “if its not obvious what God’s will is for you yet that is because He doesnt want you to know. if He wanted you to know, you would know.” that took the whole Are You Christian Enough out of the equation.

we got the truck back. that weekend of repo-ing was so successful for the tow company that our truck was parked in at the far end of the lot, with other trucks nose to end, and of course the tow company had keys for none of them. but we got the truck back.

my spouse hand washed it in our driveway, in front of the whole cul-de-sac. hey, look at him massaging his beautiful truck for all to see! he even waxed it with black wax so it would glimmer like a stallion. i vacuumed and shampooed the interior. i scooped out all the random bits, the CDs, the change drawer, the hidden pair of sunglasses. neither one of use remembered to clean under the backseat, though. there are enough fries and froot-loops to take on a picnic!

with all these days “off” my spouse and i can easily arrange to do errands together, such as drive the truck down to the car lot and put it on consignment. and here is where we got our fist bit of good news in a looong time: they wanted to put the truck up at top dollar! more than what we were going to ask! and they parked it on the front of the lot – maybe on one of those steep risers where the vehicle looks like one ice storm and it will slide down into on-coming traffic.

we drove home in our other truck, a 23 year old toyota landcruiser in gunmetal grey. reliable but drives like a maverick torpedo.

i cant wait until that truck sells! couldnt we live on the profit for a month or 2? and it feels good to be rolling down the street in our old cruiser, just like old times, back when life was simple and the sun always shined. there’s a good reason olden rhymes with golden; time makes memories and the mind festoons them with feelings of well-being.

we got the truck back today. i felt like it was one step toward making life feel normal again. its going to get cleaned out and put up for sale.

but then i got more news today regarding our business. its too stressful. it put all sorts of doubt about whether i am getting straight answers from my spouse regarding what is owed by the business. and the one good thing we had going for us was that we were communicating well, so i thought.

at what point are we stable again? when is this all over? to what extent are we in trouble?

i thought we had a plan – a miserable one but one that we could count on would get us through the legal and financial problems. but that was just for the personal aspect of responsibility. i know nothing about the business and the responsibilities there.

i am afraid of what i dont know.

so my spouse did lose the job. railroad did cut 127 people – 3 from the technology dept. alone. which may have had only 10 people.

the next day we were served papers. being sued by a major credit card company. we cannot file bankruptcy fast enough. lawyer still says not to worry – it wil be 2 months before they can get a judgement and garner wages. ok, so what then after 2 months? then someone digs into our bank acct and thats supposed to be okay? must get my own bank account.

the day after that our daughter came home and asked where is the black truck? in the driveway. no its not. we both run to the front window and see an empty space where the black truck was parked. i see circular scratches in the pavement – i have seen repo-man enough to know what those scratches mean. we’ve just been repo-ed. hey, maybe that can be a new show, but this time the people arent contacted. the vehicle mysteriously disappears and they rush to their front windows and are in shock, like us.

we call the police. i call my brother because he IS a repo man, and ask him what could possibly have happened? the dealership which has financed the truck says it is not up for repo. the police say it has been called in as repo-ed. my brother says it is unusual to not first work with the “client” and see what arrangements can be made. but that he usually authorizes the vehicle to be returned as soon as the client pays up to date. of course, i was not aware that payments were not being made. sick feeling in stomach.

i call a friend who says hell yeah call your dad and ask for a loan! if i have never done it before, now is the time to do it. i ask my spouse to make the call. no, first i suggest we call dad because we have no other option. we cant let the truck go, we can sell it right now and make money. i leave thinking he will make the call. he comes back downstairs and i ask how the call went. what call, he thought i was going to make it. no, i want you to make it because i want you to take responsibility for these mistakes. it would make me feel really good.

he calls. my dad wants to discuss it with my new mom. they will call back later. spouse goes to meet with business partner. i stay to talk about all the scary feelings the disappearance of our truck and loss of job has given the kids. i call 2 friends. they know what a rough life is like. they are living rough lives at the same time as me – so convenient. makes me so grateful to have company/support.

spouse comes home and said the partner meeting went really well. he looked like he’d been crying. he said my dad will deposit money for us to get the truck back. today we will clean the truck and put it up for sale (if we get it back i should be saying.) then we can pay dad back and not worry about owe-ing a car payment again.

what next?

oh, and i wrote a note to the kids’ teacher explaining that they have been feeling our stress – kind of hard to hide the fact that the car has gone missing – and that they would like to talk about it with a caring adult. do i feel odd walking into the school wondering who knows our troubles? yeah, its weird. its a “take a deep breathe” moment. either people will care about us, or i will have to stop caring about them.

mom and dad -

i am really conflicted about how to respond to you about us getting together for a visit. there must be no easy way to explain myself, and i have tried to do it several different times. i dont want to be blunt or rude because i think that will hurt your feelings and cause more tension between us. but i can think of no other way to communicate that i do not enjoy visiting with you. and i dont want to try to enjoy it anymore, either. i dont want to give it one more try.

i can tell that you both are trying and wishing that we had a nice relationship. and i, too wish that we had a nice pleasant relationship. but i dont see it happening for us unless i feel like i trust you, and that we are all of one mind about our priorities.

so – in a tone of complete defeat and anxiety:

frankly, i do not enjoy being around you both. i dread your calls inviting us over. it gives me A LOT of anxiety to prepare to be with you. and what is particularly unnerving is how you both can act like you are enjoying a peaceful family life when weve left on tense/arguing terms the previous phone call. i dont think i will accept that we can have an unresolved argument on the phone, not hear any apology or effort toward reconciliation from you for a month, and then i get a call with a cheerful tone asking if we can get together. it really stresses me out.

i will not perform my obligatory lets-all-get-along duty anymore. this is exactly how i feel when faced with another visit with you both. i feel like i have no idea what kind of mood mom or dad will be in. dad will probably be very cheerful and full of news about other people. mom may be withdrawn or totally outgoing – neither moods do i know how to handle. in order to function in this mood i feel obligated to go along with it – to provide small-talk with a cheerfulness.

this cheerful small-talk is totally disregarding my true feelings concerning you both. i do not trust either one of you. you both are the greatest source of stress i have ever experienced. i do not come away from our interactions with any good feelings – i generally feel anxiety, stress, confusion, etc. there is no positive motivation for me to seek out a relationship with you. if i did not feel obligated to keep in touch i would do my best to disappear from your sight.

the reason why i have continued to try to make a go of it is because i think it might be the right thing to do. i am not totally clear about what is right. i could quit the relationship and not waffle like i have been doing. i do not want to waffle anymore. i also dont want to make an effort anymore to build a relationship. the only thing i really know for sure is that i do not feel like acting interested anymore. i must stop pretending to be interested in visiting; i just leave more hurt and upset, which does a great disservice to my family.

if i could handle being around you one day it will be when you both are willing to hear how you make me feel, and hear it with humbleness and mournful hearts. because you truly did break me down as a child and strip me of my confidence, hope and trust in other people. i was a gift to you, and i fully expected you to build a loving relationship with me when i was young. i think it was your responsibility to care for me and ensure that i felt love and security. mom, you should not have taken all your bitterness and hatred out on me. dad, you should have protected me from mom.

i sincerely think that the troubles i have today – manifesting themselves in our relationship now – are a product of your tyranny. if i were to ever enjoy a relationship with you i would have to see a whole lot of evidence that you both are terribly grieved and that you would do anything to prove to me that you are different people now. i am not going to believe it if you only say nice words to me. i also am not going to make an effort here – i believe that the burden of this relationship rests solely on your shoulders. i have already accepted that mom may not really want to love me. i have already accepted that i may not ever have the relationship i need from you both. i can continue to forgive you and live with this failure. i have come to terms with that – i just dont know how to tell you that i have had it.

i want to know why mom generally argues with me. and i want her to never do it again. i am not open to giving her any more leeway. i do not enjoy arguing and i dont need to do it anymore with mom. i want dad to know that i feel deeply betrayed and made the scapegoat whenever he has told me to go along with what mom wants, or when he acts like mom really loves me and implies that i could make more of an effort. i dont need to hear second hand from dad that mom really loves me, etc. it implies that the pain caused by her actions is really insignificant and that i can overlook it. her actions do not communicate love, and i will not overlook it anymore.

i honestly think that God is angered by your abusiveness. he gave me to you as a gift and, mom, you terrorized me! dad, you looked the other way! this is not acceptable. do you honestly think you can take an adopted child, treat her like this and still expect her to WANT a relationship with you? your expectations are outrageous. i honestly do not feel like i am even part of your family – you have totally alienated me.

i dont have any good news for you regarding our relationship. at this point i feel that we have exhausted all options for reconciling. i wish things were perfect, i wish i felt like you loved me, cared for my feelings, were concerned enough to provide me with the very best. these are all things i deserve from parents and this is what i am going to hold out for. i know it is possible, because i am a parent now and that is what i do for my kids!

i know this may all come as a shock, but i have been grieving for more than 20 years over our relationship and i am finally strong enough to tell you. i think that it is time to admit that we dont have a relationship anymore, the roles are all screwed up. i am not a helpless little girl anymore, which means i am not going to stand by and be belittled, contradicted and argued with. i think we need to just move on and focus on those relationships that are enjoyable, that give us peace; the kind of relationships we can find solace in.

i can no longer call you back, i can no longer answer your calls. i am only willing to exchange emails. if you are at all confused about what i have said, i think you ought to take this and all my other emails to a counselor and ask him/her to explain it. and maybe help you through it. i can no longer explain myself to you.